Saturday, October 31, 2009

Dealing With The Effects of Suicide

I have written a lot about what suicide is, why people commit suicide and how to help someone contemplating suicide. I am now going to write about dealing with the effects of someone you know committing suicide. Suicide is a complicated thing to understand, I think we may never fully understand it.

My brother passed away by suicide on January 19, 2009. It has been really hard to deal with since he committed suicide. No one even knew he was depressed. As far as it appeared he was one of the happiest people you have ever met. He always had a smile on his face. He always had nice things to say about people. He was always able to find good in others. He was someone everyone loved he came in contact with. He loved his wife and kids and his extended family. He loved gardening with his wife and kids, fly fishing, playing the trumpet and spending time with family.

When my brother passed away we were all left with why? That question never gets answered even if a note is left behind. You go through everything you can think of to come up with a why and in all reality no one ever knows the real reason to why someone does that. You go through a denial period, where you do not accept the fact that the person has passed away. You do not want to believe it as it is too painful. It can feel like a dream, not real. It is o.k. to feel this way it is part of the healing process.

You can also go through an angry phase. You might be angry at the person for doing it, God, someone else for letting it happen, yourself, etc. There are many reasons you might feel angry. This is also a part of the healing process and is o.k. to feel this way. The third phase of grief you can go through is bargaining. You can beg, wish and plead for them to come back. The 4th phase of grief you might go through is depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. The 5th phase of grief is -Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

All of these phases are important to go through as they are all part of the healing process. Do not expect to go through these phases as it will take time. It can take 1-2 years to even get to the point of acceptance. Everyone is different as they experience things different. Always remember the person who left you by suicide does love you, they were not in their right mind when they committed suicide. They were feeling very dark feelings and felt they could not make it another minute.

It is possible to make it through someone committing suicide as I am here today to testify of that. I have been suicidal myself and gone through the effects of someone committing suicide and recieved the help I needed and am here today to tell about it. It has been a very long and hard journey but one worth sticking around for. Do not be ashamed of any of the feelings you go through, let yourself go through them just make sure to work through them not focus on them. Get counseling as it is a lot to take in and deal with. Make sure to get any help you may need and recieve the support from loved ones around you.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

My Journey Fighting Survival

I am going to share some more of my story. on March 17, 2009 I left a family get together with the intent of committing suicide. It took a miracle to keep me here but I am still here. That is when I really realized I had a serious problem and needed to go to the doctor. I went to my doctor and he referred me to a psychiatrist. I was scared to go to a psychiatrist as I had never seen one before and I was not sure what to expect. With my husband by my side I went to see this psychiatrist and after evaluating me found out that I am bipolar which I believe my brother who committed suicide in January of 2009 was bipolar.

Now to tell a little bit about a bipolar person. A person who is bipolar sees things very differently. For example a bipolar person could be walking through the store and someone can look at them longer then they think the person should. A bipolar person can then think to themselves "this person is thinking bad of me", when in reality probably is not true at all. A bipolar person can go through so many emotions. A bipolar person will go through mania phases and manic phases. Mania phases are being extremely happy. When going through a mania phase a bipolar person can go on little sleep. They can go and go like the energizer bunny. This happy feeling may feel real or fake depending on each person. When going through a manic phase they are extremely depressed. When extremely depressed they can sleep a lot more, feel fatigued, show little or no interest in things they once enjoyed and they can experience restlessness along with insomnia. When extremely depressed they are more likely to contemplate suicide. Each phase (the mania and manic phase) can last short or long periods of time. One phase can even last for a couple years. The only way to help balance you out if you are bipolar is medication and it is ok to be on medication as I have had to learn. I have had to experiment with medications and am on 4 different ones right now trying to get myself balanced. I am in a much better state right now then I was in March so I can testify medication does help.

I have gone through so many emotions through my fight for survival. I have felt like nothing will help and I have just wanted to give up. The happy phases for me have felt fake. I have finally had a day here and there that I have truly felt happy. It has been nice to feel that again as it has been so long since I have felt that way. I do still get really depressed as I am still trying to balance myself out. However I can on most days push through each day much easier then I use to be able to. It is much easier to deal with certain situations also.

I have learned as well from going to counseling along with seeing my psychiatrist that I need to do things for myself. It is very important to have me time and if you feel like you need a break take one, even if it is a walk for 10-15 minutes. I have always been a pleaser, I do not like confrontation and to make others upset so I have done what others wanted and said yes to anything anyone asked. I have learned that I need to take care of "ME". I need to stop trying to make the rest of the world happy and make me happy first and foremost. It is impossible to help others in a positive way if you do not take care of yourself first.

I have learned something very hard for me to learn. I have learned that I need to make sure not to put myself in situations that may upset me too much. It is hard for me to be in a situation that is hurtful or upsetting to me. I have learned it is ok to say no sometimes to take care of myself. That is still to this day hard for me to do as I have to opt out of some things that might otherwise be fun. Sometimes I have to opt out of things also because I am having a bad enough day. When depressed enough it is hard to deal with things and certain things (even simple things) can set one off. So there are times I have had to not go to events (even family ones) to take care of myself and to not have a problem caused at it. All this is ok I have learned. This is not being rude or disrespectful. This is taking care of me and sometimes people require different things to be taken care of.

I hope all this story I am sharing has been helping. This is a lot of personal information I have decided to share with the world to try to help others out there. I hope I am able to help someone. Now do not get me wrong I am still not all 100% ok. However I am doing better then I use to and am learning help is out there it just takes time. It is good to surround yourself with those who love and support you. I would have never made it as far as I have if it weren't for #1 and foremost my husband and then #2 my kids. They are my world to me and have been my reason for being alive today. I am so grateful for them and to all the others out there who have loved me and let me know I am wanted here on this earth. I will update from time to time as I have more to add. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to E-Mail me @

Monday, March 23, 2009

Some Thoughts of A Suicidal Person

I have said I was creating this site to help those dealing with the affects of suicide and those contemplating suicide. I do fully understand both sides as I have personally experienced both sides of it. I lost my brother to suicide on January 19, 2009. It has been very hard trying to deal with the affects of it. He appeared to be so happy all the time no one had any idea anything was wrong. I first had suicidal thoughts in October of 2008. I deal with depression and anxiety. I know many people do not see it as something real or serious but it is. I have been treated for both and have had to go to my doctor to either add medicine, change medicine or change doses. It is ok to need medicine to help you be "happy". I do know it is hard to accept and you can feel as if you are less of a person for it but I am here to tell you that you are not. Medication is good and can help, life is never as "bad" as it seems. Since losing my brother to suicide it brought back a lot of the emotions I had to work through the few months prior when I first felt that way myself.

A person contemplating suicide believes they are doing all their loved ones a favor and taking heartache out of their life. It is a very dark place feeling as if you do not have purpose here on the earth anymore. A suicidal person can also feel as though their trials are too much too handle or even something as simple as every day life. A suicidal person can feel that they can not handle surviving another breath of life. Losing a loved one to suicide is very hard to work through. It has brought the suicidal thoughts back for me and deeper than before. A suicidal person can be happy with things in life and loved ones and still feel they can not make it another minute.

I am striving to learn how to deal with my brother whom I still love dearly being gone from suicide. When a person is truly suicidal they have so many emotions going through them so fast they do not know what to do with it all. They lose control of their thoughts and emotions and they are in a very dark place. Someone who has contemplated suicide is very sensitive to many things. They take many more things personal than they normally would otherwise. They do not see what good they are doing in the world anymore.

I want to share what has helped me get through my really dark and scary moments where I was not sure if I was going to live through another minute. When feeling that way it is very hard to concentrate on things. I have made it through that because I have decided that my dear sweet husband and children are my reason for living. Even if I feel I am not the wife/mother I should be and they might be better off with someone else I have to remind myself that I want to share their life experiences with them. If I were to end my life then I would no longer be able to do that. My husband and children are my world and I have decided they are my reason for living. So if you are contemplating suicide please find your reason for living and decide that you do not really want to end your life. If you do that then when you are in those really dark moments that you are not sure if you are going to survive another minute then you will remember that and can work through it. I am here to tell you that YOU CAN MAKE IT!! If it was not possible for a suicidal person to work through it and make it then I would not be here today. I will tell you it is still hard and you will still have very hard moments but YOU CAN MAKE IT!! Find your reason for living and when in those really dark moments do what you need to to get yourself out of those moments and into some light. (happier moments)

I was not able to help my brother through his hard times so I would like to help anyone else out there who needs it. I really hope this site helps. You need to talk your feelings out with someone who will listen. Do not feel ashamed or like you are wrong for your feelings. If you talk to someone about them and work through them it really does help. I know because I have tried talking and working through it and I have tried keeping it all inside. Please remember who you are and that you are loved. Each one of us has a purpose here on the earth and are needed. Ending one's life is not the answer.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

What is suicide and why does someone commit suicide?

Suicide is the act of ending ones own life. When this is done everyone around is left with why? Over 90% of people who commit suicide have a mental illness at the time of the act. Depression is the number 1 cause of suicide. Depression is much more than the blues. Depression is a very serious mood disorder which affects the way one thinks, feels and acts. Depression left untreated can lead to thoughts of suicide and committing the act of suicide. Depression is a feeling of despair which lasts for long periods of time. Hope becomes a memory and suicide starts to become a reasonable solution. When feeling like this one is thinking irrationally believing it is the answer to their problems. They even believe they are removing the causes of pain and suffering not only for them but for their loved ones as well. Many people think of suicide as a selfish act. When one commits suicide they are not thinking of only themselves they believe they are helping their loved ones as well. Many people who have not experienced a severe episode of depression or suicidal thoughts do not understand how is someone able to feel so hopeless and depressed to end ones own life. The answer is usually how hopeless and endless the depression seems to be. People who commit suicide are usually in a severe depressive mode left untreated or undertreated. Someone feeling this way may feel there is no hope in getting help, that is the depression talking. They may also feel they don't want to be a burden on their loved ones. Many people can hide their emotional pain very well and appear to be fine. Underneath however they are in agony and in need of desperate help. If you are feeling suicidal or know someone who is, there is help out there and you can get the help you need. You can call the National Suicide Lifeline at 1800-273-TALK.

What are some of the causes of suicide?

The death of a loved one.
A divorce, separation, or breakup of a relationship.
Losing custody of children, or feeling that a child custody decision is not fair.
A serious loss, such as a loss of a job, house, or money.
A serious illness.
A terminal illness.
A serious accident.
Chronic physical pain.
Intense emotional pain.
Loss of hope.
Being victimized (domestic violence, rape, assault, etc).
A loved one being victimized (child murder, child molestation, kidnapping, murder, rape, assault, etc.).
Physical abuse.
Verbal abuse.
Sexual abuse.
Unresolved abuse (of any kind) from the past.
Feeling "trapped" in a situation perceived as negative.
Feeling that things will never "get better."
Feeling helpless.
Serious legal problems, such as criminal prosecution or incarceration.
Feeling "taken advantage of."
Inability to deal with a perceived "humiliating" situation.
Inability to deal with a perceived "failure."
Alcohol abuse.
Drug abuse.
A feeling of not being accepted by family, friends, or society.
A horrible disappointment.
Feeling like one has not lived up to his or her high expectations or those of another.
Bullying. (Adults, as well as children, can be bullied.)
Low self-esteem.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

In Memory of Eric D. Brunson

I have decided to create this site in memory of my loving brother Eric D. Brunson who passed away by suicide. He was a very happy person. He always had a smile on his face. Anyone who came in contact with him loved him. He touched so many lives. He loved fly fishing, his family, working in his garden, and spending time with his wife and kids. I hope to be able to help those looking for help whether they are contemplating suicide or dealing with the effects of suicide.