Sunday, September 13, 2009

My Journey Fighting Survival

I am going to share some more of my story. on March 17, 2009 I left a family get together with the intent of committing suicide. It took a miracle to keep me here but I am still here. That is when I really realized I had a serious problem and needed to go to the doctor. I went to my doctor and he referred me to a psychiatrist. I was scared to go to a psychiatrist as I had never seen one before and I was not sure what to expect. With my husband by my side I went to see this psychiatrist and after evaluating me found out that I am bipolar which I believe my brother who committed suicide in January of 2009 was bipolar.

Now to tell a little bit about a bipolar person. A person who is bipolar sees things very differently. For example a bipolar person could be walking through the store and someone can look at them longer then they think the person should. A bipolar person can then think to themselves "this person is thinking bad of me", when in reality probably is not true at all. A bipolar person can go through so many emotions. A bipolar person will go through mania phases and manic phases. Mania phases are being extremely happy. When going through a mania phase a bipolar person can go on little sleep. They can go and go like the energizer bunny. This happy feeling may feel real or fake depending on each person. When going through a manic phase they are extremely depressed. When extremely depressed they can sleep a lot more, feel fatigued, show little or no interest in things they once enjoyed and they can experience restlessness along with insomnia. When extremely depressed they are more likely to contemplate suicide. Each phase (the mania and manic phase) can last short or long periods of time. One phase can even last for a couple years. The only way to help balance you out if you are bipolar is medication and it is ok to be on medication as I have had to learn. I have had to experiment with medications and am on 4 different ones right now trying to get myself balanced. I am in a much better state right now then I was in March so I can testify medication does help.

I have gone through so many emotions through my fight for survival. I have felt like nothing will help and I have just wanted to give up. The happy phases for me have felt fake. I have finally had a day here and there that I have truly felt happy. It has been nice to feel that again as it has been so long since I have felt that way. I do still get really depressed as I am still trying to balance myself out. However I can on most days push through each day much easier then I use to be able to. It is much easier to deal with certain situations also.

I have learned as well from going to counseling along with seeing my psychiatrist that I need to do things for myself. It is very important to have me time and if you feel like you need a break take one, even if it is a walk for 10-15 minutes. I have always been a pleaser, I do not like confrontation and to make others upset so I have done what others wanted and said yes to anything anyone asked. I have learned that I need to take care of "ME". I need to stop trying to make the rest of the world happy and make me happy first and foremost. It is impossible to help others in a positive way if you do not take care of yourself first.

I have learned something very hard for me to learn. I have learned that I need to make sure not to put myself in situations that may upset me too much. It is hard for me to be in a situation that is hurtful or upsetting to me. I have learned it is ok to say no sometimes to take care of myself. That is still to this day hard for me to do as I have to opt out of some things that might otherwise be fun. Sometimes I have to opt out of things also because I am having a bad enough day. When depressed enough it is hard to deal with things and certain things (even simple things) can set one off. So there are times I have had to not go to events (even family ones) to take care of myself and to not have a problem caused at it. All this is ok I have learned. This is not being rude or disrespectful. This is taking care of me and sometimes people require different things to be taken care of.

I hope all this story I am sharing has been helping. This is a lot of personal information I have decided to share with the world to try to help others out there. I hope I am able to help someone. Now do not get me wrong I am still not all 100% ok. However I am doing better then I use to and am learning help is out there it just takes time. It is good to surround yourself with those who love and support you. I would have never made it as far as I have if it weren't for #1 and foremost my husband and then #2 my kids. They are my world to me and have been my reason for being alive today. I am so grateful for them and to all the others out there who have loved me and let me know I am wanted here on this earth. I will update from time to time as I have more to add. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to E-Mail me @